What about the way we do things?
What about the way I do things.
Am I too terribly pedantic in the way I tear around, treading on toes, demanding my way in every little detail? Is it too offensive, the little that I know, that I force it into everything we have, everything we do? That I look down on most things because they seem kitsch to me. Scorn everything that doesn't fit the way I want it.
Why do I want to be an architect? Is it one and the same as asking me what I think I have that qualifies me the position of a designer.
Some can visualize, draw, paint.
Some can conceptualize, reason, manage, force-fit.
Some can imitate, extract, manipulate, abstract.
Some can write, influence, play with semantics.
I had to answer that once, I remember if you don't, at what was most probably an insignificant time, but being quite pivotal in its timing. I said," Most probably because I can't see myself doing anything else".
Which is true but not exact. If I had more time I would have said, "Its because I like looking at pretty pictures. Sometimes they have pretty ladies in them but more often that not they are of buildings. Why buildings and not landscape or cars or fractals or more pretty ladies I don't know."
I'd like to look at pretty pictures of buildings the rest of my life.
That is why I want to become an architect. For the basest of reasons. I don't want to change the way people live, I don't want to become famous, I don't want to have my place in the annals of history. I want to be a part of the community that creates pretty pictures of buildings, and I want to create pretty pictures of buildings.
Going into that being the same as asking me whether I feel that qualifies me, perhaps it is a roundabout way, a crude way of saying I think I have good taste. Which is ridiculous as it is, because taste is subjective, and probably doesn't exist the way I think it does. Still, going in the direction I am going in, wanting to set up the conditions for me to learn how to create pretty pictures of buildings. Terribly selfish.
Some can do some things, maybe I can't do anything.
I am so conceited, throwing myself into a bunch of people who can do some things.
Thinking that I have the sense of how things should be. I want to appear to know everything, I want to appear to be able to do everything. I want to make the people around me out to be great, so that by way of association, I may be great.
I never become good at what I do, I do only the things I am good at. Any sign of weakness is folly. I sit on the ladder, the horse is free to run away, and the box is in my hand. I am content where I am.
If I could, I'd have the carefree days forever. No responsibility, no worries, just the sad of the happy kind. So I have to fight my contentment. Dig up some ambition where I have none. Because everyone is leaving me behind. Where are my happy days then.
Maybe I'd have felt this for some time.
That's why I had the music, that's why I have the volleyball, that's why I have some sort of writing. In my small pool of self pity and self aggrandization. If you say it is hard to learn to write well, if you say it is hard to learn how to draw well, if you say it is hard when you work your guts into oblivion only to get low results and recognition in return, may I say that is nothing next to fighting the urge to be content. Being older and having to own that nagging feeling of desperation.
Looking at pretty pictures for the rest of my life.
That is why I have to feel that every project I do is never good enough,
I have to feel that every essay I write never reads good enough,
I have to feel that every page I design never looks good enough,
I have to feel that every presentation I speak never sounds good enough,
That having these feelings will be the only way I can become good enough.
Never be content.
Never be content.
Never be content.
That is why I have to have to have to have the concept that they love,
I have to have to have to have to have the pictures that they love,
I have to have to have to have to have to say the words that they love,
Then maybe I might love it as well.
